Why is it every time someone comes up behind me, I have to practically drill my feet to the floor? If someone surprises me from behind, I jump. I tell my boys that they are ninjas, because they are so quiet when they enter a room. I jump every time, my heart pounding.
I try to make it like it's no big deal, but it is. I feel foolish for being haunted all these years.
Sometimes I have terrible nightmares, and it seem liked when I was raising my boys, even when I had flashbacks or pain, a lot of pain, I did my best to focus on them. They need a mother in their right mind.
Now, sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. I have the functional movement disorder, but there can be two causes, brain trauma or psychological trauma, and I've had both, so do they both contribute to my involuntary movements, shaking, tremors, legs jerking, at rest or active. No matter what I do, I'm always moving. I even feel it inside.
I know it's literally all in my head, but is it really in only in my head? Either way, no matter how I look at it, I'm broken, some parts shattered, some parts minor cracks, but it's there. Some how, some way, I need to deal and move forward. Standing still literally is something I can't do.
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